I'm not a fan

I bet you're wondering what I'm doing right now . I'm sitting here waiting for my MOT to finally arrive home . Yes,if you've been following along he was supposed to come home Monday.  Here it is Wednesday night and well , here I sit alone. Lucky me!!! I'll be waiting until sometime tomorrow afternoon  . I'm sure you want the ditty , but at this point does it really matter ?  I won't bore you with all the details . Holly totally won today . I did get the ..this will all be over soon bs line . Typical..Truth is I need my MOT here now . We need to come first . Today I'm deflated and not a very happy WOT..but there's always tomorrow ..fingers crossed..

You can't always get what you want...

Great news is I'm over my self reflecting pity party. Bad news is Holly has once again dug her roots into my mot's veins . This time she has recruited irritation  (irrigation). As I type this entry , my MOT should be on his way to Florida to see his FOT.(family of turf) but instead he's getting a new irrigation something . I shouldn't be annoyed ,considering this "new" is going to help holly flourish back to her natural beauty and make his life a little bit easier , but I/we are . This living apart stuff is for the birds . I know it will only be a short time longer but in the meantime it still stinks.. Then there's that fine line of guilt . Yes I am upset that my MOT won't be home tonight , but he's taking care of his responsibilities.  So I really don't have a  right to be mad at him and pick a fight about how taken for granted I feel ,how his career always comes first ,the fact i'm nursing a sick kid,packing ,cleaning etc . It's been almost a month since he's been home . What's two more days . In the grand scheme of things its THE fact he's coming home. He's choosing family over holly and that's what really matters. Holly 2565454698574, WOT 546

I've got nothing....

So I've been trying to write the last couple of days so I can keep up with this whole blog thing I've got going on . BUT..yes another BUT.. I've got nothing . My life right now consists of a mad dash to get our house on the market, realizing that when you've had a home for 9 years the 3 of you are hoarders and feeling like a desperate teenager to speak to my  husband constantly.  Not to mention, all the added stress of house hunting , being a single parent ,dealing  with our daughter's school projects ,dance activities and just being 12 in general. Truth is .. I'm tried.  I'm exhausted.  I'm not myself and I'm in a funk . I'm trying to find "me" time all the while, trying to hold everything together . I seriously have a new appreciation for any single parent . I just have no idea how  they do it . The bright side for me in all of this , I know deep in the back of my "crazy" this is just a season . A season that only has a month or 2 left , then I'll be back to being annoyed that my MOT is home 2 hrs later than he told me . So in the mean time I'm searching for anything that will give me strength to push on .. ooo look there's wine ...:)

Xoxo

My brain thinks way to much ...

So i'm sitting here reflecting on today's events.The world lost an icon today.. A person whom I never met, but I cant help but feel a connection to. This person was a childhood musical hero of mine as well to a many others. After i heard the news of his untimely passing, i submersed myself in this his music for hours reliving each and every memory, every single word,  feeling and lyric to every word of his songs. Life is just to damn short and when you least expect it, your world can change in a New York minute. RIP Prince!!!
Death.. death is such a crazy thing!!! I often wonder who has it really worse the person who actually died or the people that they leave behind ..? Deep thoughts I know, but it got me really thinking about this today. Being a ripe age of 39 I have never really contemplated the actual sting of losing someone so close to your heart. I have been very fortunate in my life to have only lost that one person , my world (my grandfather) at a very young age , so I wouldn't  actually have to deal with the adult aspect of losing someone who was my heart and soul. It got me thinking about losing my husband ( yes very morbid , I know) but honestly what would i do ? Yes I claim to be a turf widow already  (which basically I am just married to a warm body and a paycheck) but atleast he comes home every night and we exchange  some sort of pleasantries etc , But honestly ..WHAT WOULD I DO? I feel like being married to a, MOT,  I have given up myself. I have given up my dreams and hopes. My chance to have something outside of being a WOT.. (dont get me wrong , I have his undying support in whatever I chose to do) but I always look at the bigger pics and feel if I chased that raindow , our child would suffer . Call it momny guilt ..call it whatever you want, but the struggle  is so real !!!I do understand that a lot of other WOTS have careers,  have their own things,etc outside of this insane life that we have chosen for ourselves,  but honestly for me, it just wasn't in the cards . More like it's impossible !!! I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home and be a,mom and wife , (and I love every minute of it !!!!)but what if when I'm 80 and my MOT is gone and I look back on my life will I be truly satisfied with the choices that I made ? Can I forgive all of the missed dinners, parties, birthdays , school functions etc because I chose to support my husband's passion for a game of golf and a, blade of grass ?? To let my own dreams and goals be  swept under the rug , because we have this amazing child who needs me? When I actually sit and look at the bigger picture , my above statements just sound stupid and petty . But I'm just being real . I am sure there are 5000 other wots who struggle with is identity crisis as well.  It's not fun living in yr husband's shadow or having  to give up your normal for a seed and a grain  of fertilizer , or better yet for someone to go and play a game . My wish truly for anyone who plays golf is,to actually be  educated and  realize those greens you putt on ..that fairway you drive or that tee you  take divots out of ..has the blood sweat and tears of a husband who is missed at home or has a crazy wife who is struggling..

Desperate for darkness

ME-So I should probably prepare myself for being a single mom on mothers day too ?
HIM-What date is it?
Yes ladies and gentlemen this is a real life text exchange between myself and my MOT.  A form of communication that has replaced any type of actual verbal correspondence between the two of us during GGH. (Grass growing hours). If the sun is up the grass is growing . The grass doesn't care if it's Mother's Day, your birthday , Christmas , your dog just died , you are in labor etc . It doesn't care about any of it! Grass to a mot is the equivalent of a "fix" to a drug addict.  Her luscious color, the smell of her freshly cut blades , the sight of her perfectly striped lines , all of this will put a mot's  endorphins into overdrive . Just when they think they can sit back , relax (perhaps enjoy some down time with their family ), that naughty little minx throws in a curve ball and decides not so fast ..you can't leave me  ...look..I now have Pythium !!! What are you going to do about it ???..Nevermind it's your only daughter's first birthday or it's Mother's Day .What does the mot do ????. He grabs his cart and drives to his chemical room to check what he has on hand to spray . His second move ??.He doesn't have anything on hand , so he grabs his phone and calls one of his 50,000 sales reps (that get to spend more time with your mot than you do) . His third move and or phone call ???  Well I'm not going to lead you on here .. IT'S NOT GOING TO BE YOU , THE WOT.! Infact , you'll be his last phone call . The call that he makes on his way home , 3 to 4 hrs later than original said arrival . I'm sure there have been many  times that phone call has been delayed. Reason being ? They fear for their lives . They know they are the most hated individual on the planet . I think we as wots just get to a point where we just don't care anymore . What's the use of getting upset , it's just wasted energy. No matter how mad we get for their actions , the end result will always,be the same ..."SHE" will always,get the last word  . 16 years I have been with my MOT,  I have felt every emotion known to man . Loneliness, abandonment, unimportant,disappointed,just to name a few . Getting mad these days is just pointless.  It doesn't solve anything . It just is what it is . You learn to deal and accept that you and your kid(s) will always take the back burner ..no exceptions..it's just the way it is..

Signed-
Desperately seeking dark time 